HANNAH KIVIRANTA

You Don't Have Endometriosis 

Endometriosis is the most difficult and most painful thing I have ever experienced, and as a photographer I tried my best to document my journey. I firmly believe that an essential part of my creative process revolves around honesty, and this series is the most honest and intimate part of me that for the last few years only my husband witnessed. 

For the last 15 years I suffered from cyclical pelvic pain. Despite being told countless times by doctors and specialists that I was fine, my condition progressed to the point of experiencing severe daily pain. I was told by a specialist in Toronto “you don't have endometriosis” and was told by another “because you didn’t respond well to the previous treatment, this tells me that your symptoms are psychosomatic.”

In 2020 my pelvic pain became so extreme and debilitating on a daily basis that I lost all autonomy of my own body. I couldn’t shower on my own, I couldn’t walk to the bathroom, I couldn’t eat, and I would faint and vomit from the pain I was in. I spent more time lying on my bathroom floor some days than I spent sleeping in bed. I cried every single day. I was given injections that sent my body into a chemical menopause. I once had a menstrual period that was 45 days long. I was glued to my heating pad, consuming opioid painkillers on a regular basis, along with a cocktail of hormone therapies, antidepressants, nerve blockers, muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatories, and a million different supplements and herbal remedies. All of this, while being told by specialists that my condition wasn’t severe. I was suicidal because of the pain I was in and the lack of support I was receiving.

After flying to another country, I finally underwent extensive laparoscopic excision surgery and was diagnosed with Stage III Endometriosis with dense fibrosis and calcified adhesions. My left ovary was twice the size of my bladder, was filled with cystic masses, and was adhered to my bowel, my uterus, and my pelvic wall. My bladder was adhered to my pelvic wall, along with my left ureter. I had dense fibrosis behind the entire left wall of my pelvis. I received a unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (I had my left ovary and fallopian tube removed) and an appendectomy due to the irreversible damage from my endometriosis.

This disease has taken over my entire life. I was repeatedly told for years that I wasn’t experiencing the pain and suffering that I kept vocalizing. The mental anguish and turbulence that I went through was just as severe as the physical pain itself. The only thing that helped me along the way was photographing my journey.